Weekly Billboard: Hot 100 Singles
1. Mariah Carey - "We Belong Together"
She's still making music? This is basically your typical Mariah Carey fare. I haven't seen the video, but I imagine it's got its share of glitter, slow motion, butterflies, and flowing hair.
2. Gwen Stefani - "Hollaback Girl"
I'll say this for Gwen Stefani: none of her songs sound the same (at least the ones I'm familiar with). That having been said, this song is awful. It makes me want to jump out a window. The shoeless one had a post a while back that cleared up what exactly a "hollaback girl" is, so we won't get into that. All I'll say is that Gwen Stefani is too old to make a song like this.
3. The Black Eyed Peas - "Don't Phunk With My Heart"
Surprise! This song is mostly beat and light on the substance. It starts off with some faux Indian rhythm, and then the chick in the band (that's what I call her) comes in with an annoying refrain that is repeated throughout the song. Then there's a bunch of lyrics that make no sense, with an non-creative beat that makes you want to smash the speakers. That's pretty much it. I think the song's about whether the two characters will still be in love if they have sex, but it's not worth looking into the lyrics to find out for sure.
4. The Pussycat Dolls featuring Busta Rhymes - "Don't Cha"
"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was ________ like me?" That's the main idea of the song. Some of the blanks include "hot", "a freak", and "fun". Or as we call it outside the music biz, "a whore". But who am I to nitpick? Busta Rhymes sounds a little more intelligible than his "Woo Ha" days, but not by much.
5. Rihanna - "Pon de Replay"
Rihanna must really not be able to hear the music, because the whole time she's just asking the DJ to turn it up. I'm not sure what "Pon de Replay" means, but I think it means "I like to say these two sounds before the word 'replay'". I don't know how people listen to this song for the whole 4 minutes and 17 seconds. It's like a loop. The last minute doesn't even have any words. Maybe I just don't get it because I don't dance.
6. Missy Elliot featuring Ciara and Fat Man Scoop: "Lose Control"
If I were a rapper, my name would be DJ Nastyfat. It seems we're moving away from "phat", and going to the more traditional "fat". I didn't know about Fat Man Scoop, but I've heard of Fat Joe. Also, I think this is the 37th song with that title, but I'll move on. I must just be missing the whole dance craze, but it seems to me that it would get really annoying to listen to this stuff in the car or something. I'm guessing it must be the fat guy yelling in the background, because it sounds like a guy with some jowls. And I'm not sure why Missy Elliot took main credit for the song, because the other two are more involved in it than she is. Maybe she played the xylophone part.
7. Kelly Clarkson - "Behind These Hazel Eyes"
Being an "American Idol" fan, I have a soft spot for Kelly Clarkson. I enjoy her voice, and this song showcases it well. It is a bit melodramatic (and I have seen the video for this one--also melodramatic), but it's by far the least obnoxious of what's listed here so far. And it even features real instruments! Not exclusively mind you, but still.
8. 50 Cent - "Just a Lil Bit"
This song is just nasty. I'm a fan of the violent 50 Cent more than the horny 50 Cent. His production values are always higher than your average rapper, though I don't know for sure if Dr. Dre still handles his stuff. But really I don't have too much else to say about this one. He just sounds like a dirty old man. And he's not even old.
9. Pretty Ricky - "Grind With Me"
This sounds like a newer version of "Freak Me", by Silk. Oh wait. That's just the first couple seconds. It's actually a pretty schizophrenic song, with a slow jam feel for a few seconds, then a Twista-like rap segment, and then it repeats itself. It's also nasty, but not in the dirty old man sense. This just has a "too much information" thing going on. I hate to get repetitive, but I don't know how people listen to this stuff.
10. Carrie Underwood - "Inside Your Heaven"
Again, I am a fan of "American Idol", and I liked Carrie Underwood on the show. I've found, though, that you can't judge the performers by the first singles they're given to sing. They've all been absolutely awful. For those not familiar with the process, the first single released by the winner and runner up of the show is a song that was written especially for the "American Idol" winner. I don't know who writes them--it's probably been a few people--but they really need to get some new people writing these songs. Underwood's voice is good, but this song is terrible. It makes no sense and still manages to be cheesy. On a side note, I just have to mention that it's incomprehensible to me that the big shots with "American Idol" chose to have the winner and runner-up Bo Bice release the same song (especially since this song is completely the opposite of Bice's style).
So to wrap things up, number seven is the only one worth listening to if it's on the radio or something, but don't go out of your way to hear it. I'll be back next week with more Weekly Billboard. Until then, enjoy good music.
She's still making music? This is basically your typical Mariah Carey fare. I haven't seen the video, but I imagine it's got its share of glitter, slow motion, butterflies, and flowing hair.
2. Gwen Stefani - "Hollaback Girl"
I'll say this for Gwen Stefani: none of her songs sound the same (at least the ones I'm familiar with). That having been said, this song is awful. It makes me want to jump out a window. The shoeless one had a post a while back that cleared up what exactly a "hollaback girl" is, so we won't get into that. All I'll say is that Gwen Stefani is too old to make a song like this.
3. The Black Eyed Peas - "Don't Phunk With My Heart"
Surprise! This song is mostly beat and light on the substance. It starts off with some faux Indian rhythm, and then the chick in the band (that's what I call her) comes in with an annoying refrain that is repeated throughout the song. Then there's a bunch of lyrics that make no sense, with an non-creative beat that makes you want to smash the speakers. That's pretty much it. I think the song's about whether the two characters will still be in love if they have sex, but it's not worth looking into the lyrics to find out for sure.
4. The Pussycat Dolls featuring Busta Rhymes - "Don't Cha"
"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was ________ like me?" That's the main idea of the song. Some of the blanks include "hot", "a freak", and "fun". Or as we call it outside the music biz, "a whore". But who am I to nitpick? Busta Rhymes sounds a little more intelligible than his "Woo Ha" days, but not by much.
5. Rihanna - "Pon de Replay"
Rihanna must really not be able to hear the music, because the whole time she's just asking the DJ to turn it up. I'm not sure what "Pon de Replay" means, but I think it means "I like to say these two sounds before the word 'replay'". I don't know how people listen to this song for the whole 4 minutes and 17 seconds. It's like a loop. The last minute doesn't even have any words. Maybe I just don't get it because I don't dance.
6. Missy Elliot featuring Ciara and Fat Man Scoop: "Lose Control"
If I were a rapper, my name would be DJ Nastyfat. It seems we're moving away from "phat", and going to the more traditional "fat". I didn't know about Fat Man Scoop, but I've heard of Fat Joe. Also, I think this is the 37th song with that title, but I'll move on. I must just be missing the whole dance craze, but it seems to me that it would get really annoying to listen to this stuff in the car or something. I'm guessing it must be the fat guy yelling in the background, because it sounds like a guy with some jowls. And I'm not sure why Missy Elliot took main credit for the song, because the other two are more involved in it than she is. Maybe she played the xylophone part.
7. Kelly Clarkson - "Behind These Hazel Eyes"
Being an "American Idol" fan, I have a soft spot for Kelly Clarkson. I enjoy her voice, and this song showcases it well. It is a bit melodramatic (and I have seen the video for this one--also melodramatic), but it's by far the least obnoxious of what's listed here so far. And it even features real instruments! Not exclusively mind you, but still.
8. 50 Cent - "Just a Lil Bit"
This song is just nasty. I'm a fan of the violent 50 Cent more than the horny 50 Cent. His production values are always higher than your average rapper, though I don't know for sure if Dr. Dre still handles his stuff. But really I don't have too much else to say about this one. He just sounds like a dirty old man. And he's not even old.
9. Pretty Ricky - "Grind With Me"
This sounds like a newer version of "Freak Me", by Silk. Oh wait. That's just the first couple seconds. It's actually a pretty schizophrenic song, with a slow jam feel for a few seconds, then a Twista-like rap segment, and then it repeats itself. It's also nasty, but not in the dirty old man sense. This just has a "too much information" thing going on. I hate to get repetitive, but I don't know how people listen to this stuff.
10. Carrie Underwood - "Inside Your Heaven"
Again, I am a fan of "American Idol", and I liked Carrie Underwood on the show. I've found, though, that you can't judge the performers by the first singles they're given to sing. They've all been absolutely awful. For those not familiar with the process, the first single released by the winner and runner up of the show is a song that was written especially for the "American Idol" winner. I don't know who writes them--it's probably been a few people--but they really need to get some new people writing these songs. Underwood's voice is good, but this song is terrible. It makes no sense and still manages to be cheesy. On a side note, I just have to mention that it's incomprehensible to me that the big shots with "American Idol" chose to have the winner and runner-up Bo Bice release the same song (especially since this song is completely the opposite of Bice's style).
So to wrap things up, number seven is the only one worth listening to if it's on the radio or something, but don't go out of your way to hear it. I'll be back next week with more Weekly Billboard. Until then, enjoy good music.
Tha Docta's two cents. | 10:26 AM
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