Film: The Island

Oh, Michael Bay, you’ve burned me before. Things started off bad between us with Bad Boys, but then just a year later you brought me The Rock, and though it wasn’t perfect and had many problems, it was a lot of fun, and I thought you had changed. Like a sucker, I watched Armageddon, thinking its utter ridiculousness was just a phase you were going through. Then came Pearl Harbor, and I knew it was over between us. Ben Affleck, horrible fictional “plot” twists, managing to make one of the most important events in American history look cheesy, silly, and no better than popcorn entertainment . . . you obviously weren’t ready for a long-term relationship. Bad Boys II just confirmed my suspicions.

Then came trailers for The Island, and I thought you’d turned over a new leaf. The movie looked like a smart sci-fi thriller with some fun explosions to boot. In my dreams, I imagined something like The Bourne Identity only set in the future. I thought you’d given up your mind-numbingly ridiculous plots, your focus on crazy effects over character exploration, your decision to cater to the dumbest 3% of the audience. “This looks,” I thought, “like a movie where ideas matter as much as the chase scenes.” You chose an appealing and smart cast—Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansen, after all, are known for choosing interesting roles. Early reports from the film sites said this was going to be a new type of movie, and I believed them.

Wow, was I wrong.

Let me ask you, if we’re being honest with each other. Did you just not notice that you had plot holes the size of Rhode Island in your story? That you never explained how “the problem” that gets the plot rolling happened? That whenever it was convenient Ewan McGregor’s character learned new skills (like driving a car, or speaking in a Scottish accent, or whatever) with no explanation of how? Did you not notice, or did you not care?

I tend to think you just didn’t care. After all, look at your editing! Never have I seen a “big summer movie” where editing mistakes were so obvious on the first viewing. So many times I told myself “Hey, there’s a scene missing here, because that cut just made no sense.” In the car chase scene, for example, at one point the hero is fighting someone in the closed space of the car. Then you cut to an outside view, and the car door is open and remains open for the rest of the film. When did that door open, Michael, I ask you?

The movie was just sloppy, the ideas—though interesting—are only half-explored, the actors play their characters as two-dimensional cardboard cut-outs with little or no development. The only thing that works was the unexpected humor. The script was funnier than I expected, and though it was nice, it wasn’t enough. It’s over between us, Michael Bay. You’re a sub-par director who only knows how to blow stuff up—which admittedly you do pretty well. But that’s just not enough for me. I see from IMDB that your next project is a live action Transformers movie. That’s all I need to confirm it: you haven’t changed, and I don’t think you ever will.

Final score: 1.5 cents